I'm going to be honest here and just say I've been having some big troubles with food lately.
I've talked before about the ED I have called orthorexia and it's been giving me a bunch of trouble lately.
I got into a funk and just started eating food that I treat myself to. One day of treat foods ended up into a few days with fried foods, sugar up the wazoo, and just plain crap food. I didn’t want to eat anything but those foods and then my ED kicked in and I started hating myself for eating what I was. I constantly berated myself for choosing “bad” food instead of sticking to my meal plan. I would get frustrated with myself for knowing I was eating unhealthy food and continuing to keep eating it. There were times I would get so frustrated I would be in tears. I didn’t know how to kick myself out of this food funk and start eating better foods. And in feeling bad about how I was eating I would feel bad about my body as well. I pictured myself blowing up like a balloon from the food I was eating and because I was having these horrible thoughts about my body, I turned to food to comfort myself. I was caught in this vicious circle and couldn’t figure out how to get out.
I go grocery shopping tomorrow and I’m hoping I’ll be able to get some yummy, nutritious food for myself and in turn feel better about what I’m eating. I’m seeing Sunday as a reset button and just take a deep breath and calm all my chaotic, self-deprecating thoughts.
This post doesn’t really have any entertaining material or really have a purpose, but I needed to let all of my thoughts flow and I want to be honest on my blog.