Wednesday, July 16, 2014

A Few Steps Back

Hey there everyone!
Got a little overwhelmed here so I haven't been blogging. But today I wanted to talk about something that's been nagging at me for a long while.
I've talked about my battle with orthorexia here
For more information check out that past blog post.

I'd thought I had won the battle. I really worked on rethinking how I ate and treated myself, but it snuck back up on me. I realized it this Sunday when I was out with my parents. I really wanted a milkshake, but the only place we could get one was Dairy Queen. Instantly my brain said, "Oh no, horrible ingredients, not pure. Don't do it." and I just kept insisting to them that I was okay, I didn't need one.
Thankfully my dad didn't listen and stopped anyway. I did get a milkshake...and then felt like crap for eating it later. I beat myself up for eating something "so unhealthy" and not enjoying a treat.
That's not the first time now that I think back on it. Fourth of July Michael and I ate a whole fruit tart that day, yes, a whole one. The next day I joked about how I needed to work off the fruit tart, but in my mind it wasn't a joke. I needed to work off all those calories and rather than brush it off and move on, I fixated on it.
Eating "treats" hasn't been a healthy thing either. When I do allow myself a treat, it turns into a binge...and then I feel horrible about it later.

It's this vicious cycle that never ends. I beat myself up to eat super clean and super healthy, and then binge and feel horrible about it. It's exhausting.

Not only is orthorexia an issue with my nutrition, but also my workouts. I'm not going to lie, I've been lazy about working out, but I haven't been sitting on my butt all day. I've been teaching Zumba, a cardio muscle class, taking Pilates, but none of that counts as "exercise" to my dysfunctional thinking. To my brain, if I'm not weight lifting and running, it's not a workout. Which is total and utter BS.
But I still beat myself up about it. I berate myself for  being "lazy" even though I've been moving.

I'm exhausted of battling myself and I'm exhausted of my brain thinking I'm just not good enough. I'm not good enough to set a goal and reach it, I'm not good enough to stay on track.
I'm just tired of feeling like I'm not good enough.

Now that I've come out and admitted my battle isn't over, I want to take steps to change it. For my Transformation Tuesday posts I'm going to talk about how I'm doing with my orthorexia.

Thanks for listening. And if anything on here sounds like you, I'm always here to talk!

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