Monday, November 21, 2011

Figuring Things Out

Hey everyone! It's been almost a month since I last posted and it feels like forever! I can say the partial truth that I've been busy, but the whole truth is that I wasn't sure if I even wanted to continue blogging.  Warning in advance this is going to be quite a doozy of a blog post so if you decide to bow out now, I understand and I'll be back to short posts again. Now on to the harsh truth of things around here so hang on tight.

What have I been up to lately? Well I've been moving which takes quite a lot of time when combining two households. Who am I moving in with? Well I actually moved into a nice condo with my parents. After my failed engagement I couldn't afford my apartment by myself anymore so I turned to my parents, who being the rockstars they are, helped me out and decided to move out of their place into a new place with me. I've been spending the last few weeks slowly moving my stuff over to the new place until the day came that my rental company wanted to show my apartment which still contained all my stuff. I ended up taking the day off work to move all my important stuff to the new place and have been living at the new place for a few weeks. It's so nice to get out of the ghetto and live in a really nice place. The peace of mind after everything that's gone on has been a tremendous relief. But enough about that, on to the harder stuff. Feels like we're going into my own private layers of hell, but hey, you can bow out still if you'd like.

So if being busy wasn't the only reason I didn't blog what was the rest? Well in all honesty, I didn't know what to write about. My last blog had been about my ex-fiance's journey in the Navy and our life as a soon-to-be military family. Obviously that plan didn't work out well (anyone wonders I'm perfectly fine so don't feel sorry for me) and I just didn't know what to say. Should this be an all healthy food and exercise blog? A random thought blog? I was at a loss until I realized that it's my blog. I don't have to write about anyone, but myself. I don't have to worry about writing someone else's thoughts because all written here are mine. So I've decided this blog will be all about my life, be it what I did that day, future plans, or a journal. I'm sure not everyone will like this and hell, I don't know if anyone even reads this, but it helps me to get stuff out. And down another level we go...

So who am I? Well let me spend this time introducing myself since anyone who's read through everything else is probably actually interested. I've had to spend awhile thinking about who I truly am. Let me rewind and give you a little background. In high school I dated one guy for about 3 years and during that time I molded myself to be what he wanted. I acted how he wanted, didn't say things that would upset him, and lost myself in our relationship. He was my first boyfriend so I had nothing to compare this to. I lost track with my friends and barely hung out with them because he didn't like them. Eventually things fell apart between us and I had two huge mountains to climb after the breakup. I had to pick myself up from that heartbreaking breakup and then I realized I had absolutely no idea who I was. By this point I was 17 so I couldn't even compare myself to who I was at 14 before our relationship. I spent months afterwards figuring out who I was and reconnect with my close friends I rarely ever talked to before. I had promised myself I wouldn't ever lose myself like that again in a relationship and the few short relationships I had I kept my promise, until I met my ex-fiance. Long story short, I came out of this relationship almost 2 years later a different person. Once he left for bootcamp my tranformation started to take place. Without him around I was able to think clearly and realize I wasn't who I wanted to be as a person. So here I am still working towards who I want to be, but still way past who I was. I always put everyone before myself; I always made sure their needs were met before my own. And yes, that meant I had compassion and cared about everyone, but it got to the point that my own needs weren't met. I didn't look the same because I didn't bother to take care of myself and I just plain wasn't happy. I sacrificed my friendships to make him happy and I just wasn't having that anymore. I've been putting my needs first and everyone else second because honestly, if my needs aren't met how the hell am I supposed to help anyone else? I reconnected with my friends and always keep in mind that I can lean on them when times get tough. Do I think I'm perfect? Absolutely not! Lately I've compared myself to Taylor Swift. I make mistakes, I make bad choices, I fall for the wrong people, but I still live life to the best of my ability. I try to not regret anything that's happened in my past because that helps me be the person I am today.

Did you all stick through it? If so I send you a virtual toast. I can't promise you that anything else I post won't be heavy, but I'll try to limit the posts so they're not insanely long like this one!

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