Tuesday, August 28, 2012

It's Going To Be Alright

Well hello strangers
I've been MIA for quite awhile, I know, but I'll get to why.
Before I explain where I've been I'm going to warn everyone that this post is not happy and was extremely hard to write; and in all honesty I wasn't even sure if I was going to keep writing at all.
My problems may seem trivial to some people, but to me they're not and it's been and is still very tough. 
I just want to be honest with everyone and not make up reasons for my behavior.

Cody and I broke up a couple weeks ago and I'm not going to go into the why, that's not something I feel needs to be shared and quite frankly thinking about it makes me pretty damn angry. After the break up I had intended to stay positive and surround myself with friends so I wouldn't get depressed again. That worked for a few days, but unfortunately my mind just couldn't stop itself. I started crying a lot and even started cutting myself again. I didn't want to see anyone, talk, or do anything but lie in bed. Eventually I started having suicidal thoughts and I instantly reached out to my mom to get me help. We've been through this before and we knew immediately to call my doctor and get me help. Currently I'm on antidepressants to control my depression and severe anxiety issues and will be seeing a therapist soon. I've made a verbal contract with my doctor that I wouldn't hurt myself and have been successful, though there have been moments where I've started to weaken.

The other problem I've developed since the break up is just barely eating. It started out that I could barely eat anything, and I mean anything. I would eat just enough to make it through because I knew my body needed some fuel, but I could barely stomach anything more than bread. Within two weeks I had lost a total of 16 pounds and am still currently on the verge of being underweight. My appetite still hasn't come back completely but I do get hungry which I didn't before. Unfortunately now I've gotten into the habit of not eating and convince myself I don't need to eat more than a few bites of bread or a couple of cashews a day. I have to force myself to eat more than my body and mind want and I've noticed some progress. I can still see my ribs and I'm still too skinny, but I'm working slowly on gaining some weight back. I'm not allowed to do rigorous exercise and frankly, I wouldn't be able to do it anyway.

It's been very hard dealing with all this and fighting with myself to get better. There are times where part of me just wants to give up because being miserable and alone is just easier than going out and trying to be happier. But I won't because I have an amazing support system who gently nudges me back on the healthy path. My mom has been a huge anchor for me and is always there whenever I need her. She checks in on me to make sure I'm okay and never acts like she gets tired of me repeating the same things over and over to her (though I'm sure she does). She always has a smile to boost me up and a shoulder to cry on whenever I need it. 

I'll try to keep everyone updated on my recovery and struggles. I'm hoping I'll  be back to blogging more often now that this major hurdle is out of the way.


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