Being Honest

Hello everyone!

It's been a long time since I last blogged, too long for me to remember and I'm far too embarrassed to actually look up the exact date. I've had my reasons for staying away and today is the day for me to get into them.

I try to keep my blog motivating and happy, partly cause who wants to read a depressing blog and I know people from the gym I work at read my blog. I don't want to bring anyone down, but this is also a personal blog and I have to be honest with what is going on.

I've suffered from clinical depression and anxiety since I was 15 and I've been on and off my medication for years, never with the advisement from my doctor. Since 2012 I've been on my medication steadily and for the most part controlled my depression and anxiety. 

However, a few months after everything starting normalizing in my brain things started to get oddly out of hand. I'd have mood swings I've never had in my life; they started being slight, barely noticeable and have snowballed overtime. I brought it up to my doctor who suspects I have type two bipolar disorder. I've not been officially diagnosed, but I'll be seeing a psychiatrist soon to figure out what is going on and what to do from there. 

Overtime my episodes went from one random swing here and there to multiple extreme swings within 2 hours. My depression has become more prominent and it's made it hard to function. I've always felt a little distant from the depressive state I was in in the past when explaining it to people because I always felt that I had beat it. It's disheartening to know I'm back in that same dark place.

Some days it's next to impossible to get out of bed and I have anxiety attacks thinking about going to work. I've had multiple breakdowns over nothing and some days no energy to even eat. In my darkest times in my past I used to self-harm by cutting myself and promised myself I'd never go back there. Lately those thoughts have crept back in, I doubt I'd ever hurt myself, but the fact that my head is back in that dark space worries me.

In the end I spend most of my time lying on my couch reading or worrying about doing housework. At work I try to stay out of my negative headspace so I can be present for everyone there.

I haven't consistently worked out in ages and it's starting to show. I'm at the heaviest I've ever been and that triggers my past eating disorder to rear its ugly head.

I've found writing to be a healthy substitute to self-harm, hence this blog post. I don't know what the future holds for me with my illness, but I wanted to be honest with everyone about what is going on.

I'll be back soon with a post about my recent family trip to Disneyland.