Making Some Changes

Originally this post was supposed to be my What I Ate Wednesday, but other things popped up and needed to be put out there rather than my daily food.

Apparently I've fallen back into the same rut of letting someone kick me down and make me feel bad about myself. That sh*t just doesn't fly with me anymore. I let someone change who I was and influence decisions I made and I should never have let that happen. Maybe I wouldn't be so angry if I just listened to myself rather than someone else, maybe I wouldn't hurt like this if I put myself and my needs first. Well, now that I've seen the light I plan on coming back a better person, lesson learned.

I'm not going to say I'm a fair person because I sure as hell know I'm not. I'm judgemental and mean, but that's just who I am, take it or leave it. But it's not like my heart is made of stone (though with how things seem to be going maybe it should be), I get hurt pretty damn easily. Especially when it's someone you care about that knocks you down.

Lesson learned. Me and myself should always come first and that's just how it's going to be from now on. I've been hurt and need to lick my wounds, but I'll come back stronger and show them what they're missing.

Vent/rant over.

Lessons Learned

Lately I've been thinking about different things that have happened throughout my life, both good and bad. I've always had the mindset that something good comes out of a bad situation, you should always learn a lesson when you make a mistake, and pick yourself up even when things knock you down. And while yes, when I get knocked down with a hard blow it takes me a little while to get back up, I always do it. Being alive today is a testament to that.

I may be only 20, but I've had some pretty monumental things happen in my past that taught me some pretty important lessons. Some of these lessons may apply to you or someone you know, or hell, this could just be a list of things you shouldn't do in the future, but I figure why not impart some of my hard earned wisdom (that was indeed a little sarcastic). Some of the back story will be brutal and disturbing so feel free to skip over it if you'd like, I'll try and bold the lesson parts. But I always feel the importance of a lesson is lessened (ha) if you don't know how that lesson was realized.

In an earlier post I mentioned this serious relationship in high school and if there is one lesson that I have always in my mind, it's the one I learned from the break-up I went through. To spare the details for now let me just say the break-up was pretty nasty. I spiraled down into a horrible depression and refused to talk to anyone and started cutting myself. Cutting myself had been something I used before when I was depressed from a break-up a few years before (same guy, should have stayed away). Eventually things started getting so bad that I was planning out my own suicide. I had written letters to family and close friends telling them how much I loved them, but my pain was too immense. When my therapist finally caught on to what was happening she immediately put me on suicide watch at school. Eventually I got help and I'm here today with a new outlook on things. No matter how bad things get, no matter how much you want to give up and say "screw it", the world just keeps on turning. Find a way to fight through it. Ask for help, remember what matters most because just because you stopped doesn't mean the world does too.
I've also mentioned that I broke up with my fiance not too long ago and while the break-up wasn't hard, the aftermath has been a pain in the ass. We moved in together a couple months after we started dating and I was 18 and naive. I always assumed we'd get married so we got a joint checking account, put my cellphone on his bill, and when we had bills they went under his name. Once he moved out and I went to cancel the bills that I wouldn't need anymore I ran into a crappy road block. Since they were all in his name I couldn't cancel them. I wanted this break-up to be clean,  unlike my last one, but I had to keep in contact with him to get everything solved and figured out. It's been a headache to say the least, but it definitely gave me a lesson that I plan to pass around to anyone I know that tries to get in this situation. Some situations may be different, but it can always happen so keep it in mind. Don't move out with your boyfriend at 18 and definitely don't put all the bills in his name. Break-ups happen and if you've got this stuff combined it makes it that much harder to go your seperate ways. Even if you're engaged, things can still go south so just don't do it. Stay with your parents or move in with close friends, it's a helluva lot easier.

And another one regarding the last story. Don't get engaged at such a  young age, especially if you really jump the gun because everyone else is getting married. Young marriages break-up or go south real quick because we don't have the real life experiences or maturity to make them last. Sure some may succeed, but I've known far more couples to get a divorce or stay miserable because they got married at 18, 19, or 20. Stay together longer, get to know each other more before you decide to tie the knot.

No matter how awesome a guy is or how much you love him, DON'T ditch your friends for him. I've lost good friends and ruined friendships because I became too wrapped up in a relationship and didn't make time for them. Guys come and go, but your friends will always be there.

Don't lose sight of your goals when you're with a guy. My dream is to be a pastry chef and I gave up school because we couldn't afford it. In all honesty, if I hadn't moved out of my parents house I wouldn't have to work full-time and put my college education and career on the back burner. It's much harder to go back to school when you've taken a break as I'm finding now, but I always keep in mind that being a pastry chef is my passion and who I am and I won't let that dream go. Don't let anything get in the way of achieving your dreams.

A lot of my lessons have come from my past relationships if you haven't noticed, but that's where I've been kicked down the most. I've picked myself back up everytime, even if it took a few months, and learned to just keep pushing through. Life is tricky and as my favorite quote goes, "Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it."

Things To Be Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Everytime this year my brain tends to skip ahead to the crazy holiday season up ahead and I always try to skip over Thanksgiving. No, I'm not one of those people that puts up Christmas stuff before Thanksgiving, but it gets damn close. Growing up I was taught the brunt truth of what Thanksgiving was all about and don't worry I won't bore you with a history lesson. I always disliked Thanksgiving until I really sat down and thought, "Hell screw celebrating Thanksgiving for it's history, I'll celebrate it by remembering what I'm thankful for." Very cliche I know, but how many of you sit down and think of what you're truly thankful for? This year I have so much more to be thankful and to save this from being a long post I'll just do bullet points.

I'm thankful for:

• first and foremost in my mind this year, not getting into a marriage I didn't want
• my family and friends who jumped in to help me in my times of need...and craziness
• our military, without them I wouldn't be able to sit down at a nice meal with my family in this amazing country
• my unfortunate job, but hey, people are unemployed right now and can't afford what I can so I can't bitch too much about it (even though I always do)
• this blog which will help me keep my sanity through my life
• being a good chef- y'all have no idea how grounded cooking keeps me
• music and books to help me escape reality when it's needed
• and to end it, I'm so thankful to be alive today to enjoy my life.

 So how was my Thanksgiving? It was amazing. I'm so thankful to spend my holiday with my family who loves me. Cooking food with my mom and being asked for advice was really awesome. I started my day with these delicious cinnamon rolls that are a tradition on holiday mornings in my family. We munched down on these while watching the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade. It was so comforting.

Delicious yes?

Turkey, green bean casserole, and garlic mashed potatoes

Candied yams, homemade stuffing, and crescent rolls



My overstuffed plate

 Every year I always tell myself to not overeat and every year I don't end up listening to myself. Now I'm uncomfortably full and am going to slip into a food coma for awhile.

 Hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving and remembered what matters most today!

What I Ate Wednesday

Happy Wednesday everyone!
And since it's Wednesday it's time for What I Ate Wednesday with Jenn @ Peas and Crayons. So here we go!

Breakfast:Greek yogurt & half a bagel with pumpkin cream cheese

Snacks:Green grapes, graham crackers, & pita crackers with hummus

Lunch:

Turkey, cucumber, & lettuce pita with feta greek yogurt spread

Dinner:3 sweet potatoes with Irish butter and salt
Sorry no picture!!
Hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving holiday!!

Figuring Things Out

Hey everyone! It's been almost a month since I last posted and it feels like forever! I can say the partial truth that I've been busy, but the whole truth is that I wasn't sure if I even wanted to continue blogging.  Warning in advance this is going to be quite a doozy of a blog post so if you decide to bow out now, I understand and I'll be back to short posts again. Now on to the harsh truth of things around here so hang on tight.

What have I been up to lately? Well I've been moving which takes quite a lot of time when combining two households. Who am I moving in with? Well I actually moved into a nice condo with my parents. After my failed engagement I couldn't afford my apartment by myself anymore so I turned to my parents, who being the rockstars they are, helped me out and decided to move out of their place into a new place with me. I've been spending the last few weeks slowly moving my stuff over to the new place until the day came that my rental company wanted to show my apartment which still contained all my stuff. I ended up taking the day off work to move all my important stuff to the new place and have been living at the new place for a few weeks. It's so nice to get out of the ghetto and live in a really nice place. The peace of mind after everything that's gone on has been a tremendous relief. But enough about that, on to the harder stuff. Feels like we're going into my own private layers of hell, but hey, you can bow out still if you'd like.

So if being busy wasn't the only reason I didn't blog what was the rest? Well in all honesty, I didn't know what to write about. My last blog had been about my ex-fiance's journey in the Navy and our life as a soon-to-be military family. Obviously that plan didn't work out well (anyone wonders I'm perfectly fine so don't feel sorry for me) and I just didn't know what to say. Should this be an all healthy food and exercise blog? A random thought blog? I was at a loss until I realized that it's my blog. I don't have to write about anyone, but myself. I don't have to worry about writing someone else's thoughts because all written here are mine. So I've decided this blog will be all about my life, be it what I did that day, future plans, or a journal. I'm sure not everyone will like this and hell, I don't know if anyone even reads this, but it helps me to get stuff out. And down another level we go...

So who am I? Well let me spend this time introducing myself since anyone who's read through everything else is probably actually interested. I've had to spend awhile thinking about who I truly am. Let me rewind and give you a little background. In high school I dated one guy for about 3 years and during that time I molded myself to be what he wanted. I acted how he wanted, didn't say things that would upset him, and lost myself in our relationship. He was my first boyfriend so I had nothing to compare this to. I lost track with my friends and barely hung out with them because he didn't like them. Eventually things fell apart between us and I had two huge mountains to climb after the breakup. I had to pick myself up from that heartbreaking breakup and then I realized I had absolutely no idea who I was. By this point I was 17 so I couldn't even compare myself to who I was at 14 before our relationship. I spent months afterwards figuring out who I was and reconnect with my close friends I rarely ever talked to before. I had promised myself I wouldn't ever lose myself like that again in a relationship and the few short relationships I had I kept my promise, until I met my ex-fiance. Long story short, I came out of this relationship almost 2 years later a different person. Once he left for bootcamp my tranformation started to take place. Without him around I was able to think clearly and realize I wasn't who I wanted to be as a person. So here I am still working towards who I want to be, but still way past who I was. I always put everyone before myself; I always made sure their needs were met before my own. And yes, that meant I had compassion and cared about everyone, but it got to the point that my own needs weren't met. I didn't look the same because I didn't bother to take care of myself and I just plain wasn't happy. I sacrificed my friendships to make him happy and I just wasn't having that anymore. I've been putting my needs first and everyone else second because honestly, if my needs aren't met how the hell am I supposed to help anyone else? I reconnected with my friends and always keep in mind that I can lean on them when times get tough. Do I think I'm perfect? Absolutely not! Lately I've compared myself to Taylor Swift. I make mistakes, I make bad choices, I fall for the wrong people, but I still live life to the best of my ability. I try to not regret anything that's happened in my past because that helps me be the person I am today.

Did you all stick through it? If so I send you a virtual toast. I can't promise you that anything else I post won't be heavy, but I'll try to limit the posts so they're not insanely long like this one!